The Grocery Thief

 

 

I don't think there's a human being alive who is familiar with crows and ravens who doesn't think of them as thieves.

They rummage through garbage, steal crops from farmers, steal eggs from the nests of other birds, and kill their young.

Ask most anyone what their opinion is of ravens and crows and they respond reflexively “They're noisy, and they're all thieves and robbers.”

Then, without waiting for a next question, they add “ And they should all be shot!”

Give a farmer a gun when there's a raven in sight, and you have a dead raven. End of story.

Not very nice, but that's about the way it is.

 

☼

 

 

It is a subject that Grandfather and his friend Sir Raven have nearly talked to death.

“You call it stealing,” Sir Raven says, “but for us, it's looking for food. If it looks like food and smells like food, we go for it. What more can I say?”

“I know,” grandfather replies, “but how do you convince people of that? Or other birds, for that matter? It's the main reason grandmother's little Jeet doesn't like you.”

Sir Raven sighs and says that he knows it, and doesn't blame her, and explains that he doesn't trust eagles or hawks for the same reason.

“Give one of them half a chance at one of us,” he will say “and the raven is history.”

Then he goes on to explain that out in the wild it's a predatory world at best, with everyone battling to get enough to eat.

“Mmmm,” grandfather replies, stroking his chin, “in some places, and in some times, it's the same way with us,” and Sir Raven thanks him for admitting it. Both shrug. What to do about it is the hard part. It's as hard to change perceptions as it is to change habits.

“Not an easy thing to resolve,” grandfather adds. “Humans have been struggling with it since the beginning of our species.”

“And haven't made much progress,” Sir Raven adds, finishing grandfather's sentence.

“And haven't made much progress,” grandfather replies, sounding like an echo.

“Indeed,” Sir Raven says, which closes the discussion for that day.

And so it goes.

 

☼

 

 

On this particular sunny summer afternoon, grandfather and Sir Raven were walking toward the Co-op grocery store when grandfather brought the subject up again.

From his usual perch on grandfather's left shoulder, Sir Raven asked: “What got you thinking about this again, if you don't mind my asking?”

“A raven's been stealing groceries from bicycles outside the Co-op Grocery Store.”

“There's an easy remedy for that,” Sir Raven replied.

“I know,” grandfather said; “but convincing people not to leave their groceries in their bicycle baskets isn't easy. They've been doing it for generations.”

“It's an open invitation to dinner if there's a raven or a crow around.”

“True.”

“Human beings are an odd lot,” Sir Raven said, stating the obvious. “Why anyone would leave groceries out in plain sight...”

“...is beyond me,” grandfather said, finishing the thought.

“An alternative is to come up with a way to scare a thief so bad he won't come back ... at least not for a while. Then you have to do it all over again.”

“Naturally,” said grandfather, “birds and humans being so much alike...”

“...when it involves keeping them away from food when they're hungry,” Sir Raven added, nodding his head in agreement. “Speaking of which,” pointing his beak at a large raven that had just ripped open a package of buns and flown away with one. “He'll be back for the others if someone else doesn't get to them first,” which two other big ravens did, swooping in and grabbing the rest before the first raven had a chance to return.

“Case in point,” grandfather said resignedly. “Pretty silly, leaving food in a bicycle basket. But then, we've already talked this subject to death.”

“That we have,” his companion replied. “By the way, while you're in there, would you mind..?”

“Bringing you something? When did I last forget?”

“There could always be a first time,” Sir Raven said, “and watching those three make off with those buns made me hungry. Oh-oh! looks like the owner of those buns has just come out of the store.”

And sure enough, a short middle-aged woman emerged from the Co-Op's entrance with two more bags of groceries and made direct for the bicycle.

“My buns!” she cried, looking at the empty plastic bun bag that was skittering away across the asphalt. “It's those thieving crows again. There ought to be a law!”

She glared at grandfather. “Did you see it happen? Did you see a thieving crow steal my buns from my basket? You and that crow of yours?”

“Raven,” Sir Raven muttered, “and you shouldn't have left them in your bicycle basket in plain sight of everyone.”

“Yes,” replied grandfather, “we did see it happen. There were three ravens involved. A bicycle basket isn't a safe place to put things like that, I'm afraid,” knowing before the words were out of his mouth what her response would be.

“Hmmph!” she snorted. “There wouldn't be a problem if there were no thieving crows around!”

“Neither would there be if people wouldn't leave openable packages in bicycle baskets until they're ready to leave,” grandfather said.

“Oh!” the woman gave an exasperated snort, hoisted the rest of her groceries into the front and back baskets on her bicycle, and cycled angrily away.

“I'll be waiting for you up there,” Sir Raven said, flying across the street and landing on a lamp post in front of the natural food store. “I don't want to be anywhere near when the next person leaves some edibles in their bicycle basket.”

“Probably wise,” grandfather said, walking into the store as two women emerged, put their packages in the baskets on their bicycles, and went back into the store as if they hadn't a care in the world.

 

☼

 

 

“And here we go again,” said Sir Raven from his perch across the street.

 

☼

 

 

And that is exactly what happened.

Not three minutes after the two women reentered the grocery store, one of the ravens that had stolen the other woman's buns appeared, hopped up onto one of the laden baskets, deftly undid the shopping bag's flap, removed a small package, and flew away with it.

He made two more runs to and from the shopping bag before grandfather emerged carrying a small yellow cloth bag, just as the raven returned and landed on a railing near the two bicycles.

From across the street, Sir Raven said “He's already made two runs.”

“Mmmm,” thought grandfather. “I'll make sure he doesn't make a third.”

 

☼

 

 

What happened then can best be described as a face-off.

“Leave!” grandfather said to the raven. “These don't belong to you, so leave!”

The big raven glared at him.

Grandfather glared back.

From his perch across the street, Sir Raven thought “This could get interesting.” And a moment later, it did.

“Shoo!” said grandfather, waving his arms at the raven. “Scat!”

And still the raven stood his ground, glaring.

Then grandfather did what Sir Raven didn't know he could do. He filled his lungs, opened his mouth, and out came a deafening, heart-stopping, blood-curdling caw.

“KAA!” grandfather said, increasing it a decibel when the raven, stunned, didn't move. “KAA!” he shouted, this time startling the raven into terrorized, shit-strewing flight.

“There,” said grandfather. “That takes care of that.”

And indeed it did. For the next two weeks, no crows or ravens were seen anywhere near the Co-Op grocery store in grandfather's Kitago neighborhood.

 

 

☼

 

“If you ever do that again,” Sir Raven said from his perch on grandfather's left shoulder as they walked home, “please warn me.”

“Why is that?”

“Because if you do it without warning me, I might drop a load down your back. It was so loud I nearly fell off the lamp post,” he laughed. “You scared the wits out of that poor guy.”

“That's not all I scared out of him,” grandfather replied, smiling.

“True, I'll bet his insides haven't been as clean since he first came out of the egg.”

And he laughed the rest of the way back to grandfather's house. “Haw-haw-haw,” he went, “haw-haw-haw! I've never seen anything as funny as that.” All the way back to grandfather's house, laughing.

“I wonder what's got into that bird,” neighbors asked each other as he and grandfather passed them by. “He's certainly making a noise.”